We are coming up on nearly 100 days since Riverdale fans got a new episode. ICYMI, the CW’s beloved soapy teen drama Riverdale was meant to begin filming its much anticipated fifth season earlier this year but unfortunately had to shutter production due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic.
It’s a reality we’ve had to face for many shows, films and concerts. Not to mention having to consider shelling out $50 to watch the new Mulan at home because, you know, cinemas can’t exactly handle blockbuster-level crowds rn.
In the wake of the pandemic, the Riverdale cast has been keeping occupied in various ways. Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse broke up, KJ Apa refused to publicly support the Black Lives Matter movement and Camilla Mendes posted herself singing an emotional Mac Miller cover. Throughout it all, Madaleine Petsch said the Riverdale group chat is still always ‘lit up.’
In the spirit of nostalgia and catching up with these fictional teens, we took a trip back to the archives to recap a few of the most absurd things that have gone down in Riverdale.
1. Archie’s general stupidity
So, in the original Archie comics that Riverdale is based on, the character that KJ Apa brings to life isn’t the brightest bulb in the box. However, there are some spectacularly impressive dumb moments that had us wondering if the writers are just taking the piss. Namely, Archie’s obsession (or delusion?) that the right way to address a serial killer is with a cute lil video stream of himself and a bunch of other shirtless teenagers in red ski masks.
ICYMI, back in season two Archie forms a vigilante group called ‘The Red Circle’ to find the murderer deemed ‘Black Hood.’ It’s a super cringy monologue that accomplishes exactly… nothing, however, it pales in comparison to the next infamous monologue.
2. Jughead’s “I’m a weirdo speech”
Again, we’ve established this isn’t the most subtle of shows in the world but Jughead’s “I’m a weirdo” speech has been memed into infinity for a reason. It’s like the writers were trying to figure out how to make it clear he was the show’s misfit and just went, “f*ck it, let’s just make him say he’s ~not like other boys~, yeah, that should do it.”
3. Betty Cooper’s serpent dance
Remember when Riverdale decided that it was chill that Betty Cooper, a literal teenager, should perform a pole dance to ‘Mad World’ in order to pass a serpent gang initiation in front of a roomful of adults? Yet another way Betty’s been forced ‘prove’ her love for her moody weirdo boyfriend. After taking completely the dance in her underwear, Jughead’s dad is the first person to clap and break the silence. Who thought any of this was a good idea?
4. Cole Sprouse singing in Riverdale
The singing in Riverdale is dumb. We know the singing is dumb. Let’s acknowledge that and move on. What we’d really like to hone in on here is the fact that one Mr Sprouse swore he’d never sing or dance after his time as a child star. He even managed to avoid singing the first musical episode, as the show’s executive producer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa confirmed.
“Cole and I talked about it a while ago, and I said, ‘How do you feel about musicals?'” explained Aguirre-Sacasa. “At that time, we were going to do Little Shop of Horrors. And he basically said, ‘Listen, I never sang for Disney. It would take a lot.'” Oh, how the tables have turned. Sprouse has sung in every musical episode since, RIP. 😂
5. The amount of casual gun-toting teenagers
Okay, this town does seem to face an awful lot of murders, mayhem and mystery, but we are a little confused as to why it always seems to be falling on the shoulders of the teens to face this problem? And how easily they can, as minors, acquire guns? Back in season two Archie manages to buy a gun—again, someone has to take down the Black Hood and he’s decided it’s him. This is… so wildly dangerous? This boy is probably still dealing with the emotional ramifications of being groomed by a sexual predator (Miss Grundy) and now he has a gun?
It’s not just because they’re lacking adult supervision either, because later we get a cute mother-daughter gun-toting moment between Betty and her mother Alice Cooper. They have apparently learnt nothing from the murder they covered up in the previous season. Make it make sense.
Alright, let’s watch these Riverdale bloopers to cleanse our brains of these confusing storylines. We all know we aren’t here for the plot, anyway.
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Want more like this? Check out: Riverdale fans have found a MAJOR plot hole.
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