Ahh Riverdale. The show that consistently makes us think we’re living in an extremely glitchy simulation.
It started off innocent enough; a murder-mystery adaptation of the classic Archie comics series featuring that kid from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, some retro backdrops, and qUiRkY teen humour… what could possibly go wrong?
WATCH: Jughead Jones’ “I’m a weirdo” speech
A lot… as it turns out. It’s almost as if the writers of the show placed a huge bet against themselves to see just how weird they could make things. Answer? Very weird… so very weird.
Even the actors give off major “we got roped into this contract and now we’re stuck here” vibes, constantly roasting their own show in interviews.
And while it’s hard to pinpoint exactly which scenes have made us scratch our heads the most, there are a few moments that genuinely make us want to take the writers out for coffee and ask them if they’re doing OK.
Scroll down for the absolute worst Riverdale has to offer. Warning… it’s pure chaos.
“I’m a weirdo” | Season 1, Episode 10
You know we had to get this one out of the way. This “I’m not like other guys” pick me boy speech that Jughead Jones (Cole Sprouse) gives to Betty Cooper (Lili Reinhart) lives rent free in our heads in the worst possible way.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird,” Jughead tells Betty. “I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t wanna fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.”
Something’s weird, alright.
Betty’s serpent dance | Season 2, Episode 8
Remember that time that 16-year-old Betty wanted to join the Southside Serpents so she did a striptease to her own cover of Mad World in front of her mum and boyfriend’s dad?
First of all, why was that the initiation process? Secondly, did we mention the character was 16?
And it’s not the only time the teenager has been sexualised in the show. Let’s not forget “Dark Betty” who donned a black wig and bra for no apparent reason. Did we mention she was 16?!!!
Whoever pitched this in the writer’s room… we just wanna talk.
“A future Bughead from imploding” | Season 2, Episode 14
You know that really relatable experience when you’re in a hot tub with your boyfriend, best friend, and your best friend’s boyfriend (who you once kissed) and your best friend suggests that she and your boyfriend should kiss to make things even? Ahh yes, we’ve all been there.
To make this scenario even more excruciatingly uncomfortable, yes it’s possible, the couples’ fan-appointed “ship names” are used within the scene.
That’s right, Jughead stands up in the hot tub and says, verbatim, “A Vughead (Veronica + Jughead) kiss right now in the present might be precisely what it takes to save a future Bughead (Betty + Jughead) from imploding”.
Sorry, what? No one speaks like that. Combining names in a show just because fans do it off-screen really ain’t it.
The fact the “hardest drug in town” is called jingle jangle
From the Southside Serpent called Sweet Pea, the ferocious gang of criminals called the Ghoulies (we’re shaking in our boots) and the hardest drug in town… jingle jangle (pack it up Santa Claus), Riverdale really said: we refuse to have one serious name in this universe 😌.
tHe ePiC hIgHs aNd LoWs oF hIgH sChOoL fOoTbAlL | Season 3, Episode 2
This scene took three years off our lives. While Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) is in prison, a fellow inmate tells him that he “dropped out in the fourth grade to run drugs and to support (his) nana”.
The Troy Bolton wannabe then uses his last three brain cells to reply… “that means you haven’t known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows, of high school football”.
Um, OK.
What happens next, you ask? A musical number. Logically.
High-school cheerleaders singing Jailhouse Rock outside a literal jail | Season 3, Episode 2
After Archie convinces his drug mule prison bud to engage in a laddy game of football, the highschooler’s girlfriend Veronica Lodge (Camila Mendes) rocks up with her cheerleading squad (the River Vixens) to perform Elvis Presley’s Jailhouse Rock right outside the prison gates. And no one bats an eyelid.
You did this… for what?
Archie being attacked by a bear | Season 3, Episode 9
This moment honestly feels like a fever dream. While he is on the run after being framed for murder, Archie gets attacked by a bear. Not only does he miraculously live to tell the tale, he escapes with barely a scratch.
Huh, maybe you don’t want to mess with Mr. “epic highs and lows of high school football”.
Literally anything that comes out of Veronica’s mouth.
Tell us you don’t know how teenagers speak without telling us you don’t know how teenagers speak.
Every time Veronica opens her mouth we know it’s time to defrost our second-hand embarrassment.
From her tendency to call Archie, “Archiekins”, refer to their romance as “endgame” (again – what’s with the stan language?) and that god awful “I beg your misogynistic pardon” speech which probably set feminism back a solid five years… the 16-year-old speakeasy owner is fluent in chaotic lines.
Betty’s mum and sister yeeting Polly’s babies into a bonfire | Season 3, Episode 22
Remember that time that Betty’s sister and mother returned from that organ-stealing cult farm and proceeded to throw Polly’s baby twins onto a bonfire?
Rather than erupt into flames, like this scene should have done, the babies just floated there while Betty watched on like 👁👄👁 before promptly passing out. Same girl, same.
The Gargoyle King
Any scene involving this stick deer monster had no business ever existing. Someone must have been on some serious jingle jangle when they pitched this creature in the writer’s room.
Cheryl going all “Weekend At Bernie’s” with Jason’s corpse | Season 4
Oh the simpler days of season one when the whole point of the show was to figure out what happened to Cheryl Blossom’s (Madelaine Petsch) brother Jason who vanished in Sweetwater River…. how we miss you.
Especially considering that when Jason was in the river he wasn’t being used as Cheryl’s puppet.
Yeah, let’s not forget when Miss. “did you have a lobotomy for breakfast” kept her brother’s dead body in her basement for a hot minute. Bestie please, get a hobby 😩.
Betty’s serial killer genes | Season 4, Episode 5
After Betty went all Nancy Drew in high school the FBI apparently decided she was qualified enough to join the Feds. Go off, we guess?
While in an FBI training session run by her half-brother Charles (who just so happens to be Jughead’s half-brother as well 🤢), Betty is clocking serial killers left, right and centre. It’s the talent for us.
Later on Betty is told she has a “serial killer gene”. Which is lowkey a real thing? We’re just as shook as you.
“I guess death just changes a person… 🗣🗣” | Season 4, Episode 17
Every musical episode of this show should have stayed in the basement with Jason Blossom’s corpse.
This particular musical moment was beyond chaotic. It started with Betty and Jughead fighting over a case? School work? Their half brother? Who knows.
A riled up Jughead says, “I’m sorry I’m different now… I guess death just changes a person” (the fact that Jughead coming back from the dead didn’t even make this list just shows how messy the teen drama truly is).
After bringing up the fact that he’s resurrected, like we get it bestie you died 🙄🤚, the qUiRkY teen aggressively bursts into song, near-screaming, “Inside I’m hollowed out, outside’s a paper shroud” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. And like, chill Juggy…. nothing is that deep.
Betty somehow making Valedictorian | Season 5, Episode 3
In between literally doing ~anything~ but school work, Betty somehow managed to become VALEDICTORIAN of high school. Honestly, this is the most unbelievable plot line so far.
She starts her speech by saying, “I’ve been struggling with what I wanted to say today,”. No doubt, babes, you’ve been a bit preoccupied.
The writers forgetting this isn’t Glee yet again | Season 5, Episode 6
Considering just how many chaotic storylines the Riverdale writers are simultaneously pitching in the writers room (oh, to be a fly on the wall), the fact they have time to shove even more unnecessary musical numbers into the plot is honestly impressive.
In this episode, Veronica decided to sing Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s Oscar-winning ballad Shallow from A Star Is Born in front of their friends – and somehow Kevin is moved to tears? Kevin, you’re better than this.
Jingle Jangle getting a glow up 😍 | Season 5, Episode 10
While struggling with writer’s block, Jughead decides the best remedy is to eat a psychedelic cheeseburger filled with Blossom mushrooms. We mean… you couldn’t have tried going for a walk first?
To keep him focused while he writes, Pop Tate’s granddaughter Tabitha handcuffs him to his desk. Juggy, honey, your angsty wEiRdO wallflower novel isn’t worth all of this x
Cheryl Blossom entering her ✨ Jesus ✨ era | Season 5, Episode 16
If you thought Cheryl Blossom had reach peak levels of unhinged-ness, think again, because the corpse-loving, red-inventing, chaotic, quasi-anatagonist, joined the ‘Church of Jason’. My god, let that boy rest in peace for crying out loud.
Basically, Cheryl’s mum Penelope began her own ministry while locked up and had the ✨ epiphany ✨ that Jason’s death was really a “sacrifice”. At which point she started accepting “offerings” from congregants to give Riverdale a spiritual glow-up.
Cheryl promptly called her mum out for violating Jason’s memory and scamming the townsfolk. Buuut… then she changed her mind. Sick. The red-head started ministering, and roped poor Lagy Gaga stan Kevin into the whole thing.
Kev then suggested Cheryl perform three “miracles” to oust her mum from the church. And Cheryl was down. Firstly, she claimed that Jason granted her the ability to turn water into maple syrup. Secondly, her palms bled like Jesus. Thirdly, she became “Queen of the Bees” (Beyoncé, we’re so sorry) by holding the honey-makers in her hands and banishing Penelope from the Church.
We still think Betty’s Valedictorian storyline is more unrealistic.
Following this bee fiasco, Cheryl told Kevin she’s ~changed~. “I’m not saying I’m the first ever living saint… but what if I am,” she said. (Me when I round up five cents for charity).
Kevin eventually decided that he wasn’t vibing with the bee-lady and dipped. Smart.
Overall, this show seems like one big inside joke, social experiment, or massive glitch in the simulation. But, at the end of the day, everyone involved is making massive coin while fans are lapping it up like jingle jangle.
So congratulations Riverdale, you stay winning.
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