Let’s be real, no one intentionally enters into a bad relationship, and every couple hits a rough patch from time to time.
But there’s a difference between coping with some temporary glitches and being stuck in a relationship that’s turned toxic. Yet some people linger long after the warning signs arise.
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“People stay in toxic relationships for many reasons,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a therapist who specialises in relationships. “We get comfortable with the status quo and just continue on the same path because change is hard. We engage in denial and go on because it’s easier.”
That denial can make it pretty difficult to figure out that you ought to cut ties ASAP. While you likely have an inkling that something is amiss, you might not be sure if you’ve ended up in a toxic relationship that’s beyond saving.
Not sure how to sort it out? Start by asking yourself these six questions.
1. Are you often screaming and fighting?
There’s no such thing as a couple who always agrees on everything, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster.
“If your conflicts are incredibly intense and lead to drastic words or actions, then there is cause for concern,” says therapist Erin Lewis Ballard. “Experiencing ‘zero to sixty,’ or being fine one day and then in crisis the next day, is also a sign that your relationship is toxic. And of course, any physical violence is a clear signal to get out now.”
2. Are you constantly keeping score?
Relationships shouldn’t feel like a game of basketball where each person is keeping track of how many times they’ve done something good or even something bad.
3. Does your bae only care about themselves?
You might not have realised it in the beginning, but over time a narcissist’s true personality traits will be revealed.
“When you’re with a narcissist, there will only be one person who matters, and it won’t be you,” says therapist and couples counsellor Evie Shafner.
A narcissist will try to manipulate or guilt you into meeting their needs while ignoring yours. “They mostly talk about themselves and aren’t really responsive to what’s going on with you. And the biggest issue is that they have no empathy,” says Shafner.
4. Are you or your BF overwhelmed with jealousy?
“This can show up as constantly having to account for your whereabouts and who you are with,” says Lesli Doares, a couples consultant and coach.
“Everything you do must not just include them, but revolve around them. You might find it easier to either lie—and, when your lies are uncovered, everything blows up anyway—or you choose to stop having a life, friends, and interests of your own because the price is too high.”
In either case, it’s hardly a sign of a healthy relationship.
5. Are you afraid to talk to him about the important stuff?
6. Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
If you’re working overtime to please your BF yet getting nowhere, you probably never will.
“Making someone feel like they can’t do anything right can be a serious sign of psychological abuse,” says Shafner. “Your boyfriend is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader, a soft place to land. If they’re not, buyer beware—and love yourself enough to leave.”
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