It’s fair to say that Valentine’s Day is the only thing guys dread more than a date-night at yet another chick flick. If you looked up some kinda medical record on the incidence of panic attacks amongst the male population, I bet the trend would spike around February 14th.
The romantic expectations of the day have become so ridic that we’ve got no idea what we’re supposed to do anymore, so we just kinda throw more money at the problem. A study conducted by America’s National Retail Federation last year found that men spend almost twice as much as women on Valentine’s Day gifts than women do on men. For a holiday that’s supposed to be about a couple expressing their love for each other, that’s pretty sad.
This isn’t exactly breaking news, though. As boys get older, we eventually come to the realisation that Valentine’s Day is not about us. It’s a day where we’re forced to purchase chocolates and flowers at exaggerated prices in order to not risk getting yelled at by the person we love. But since it’s for the person we love, we generally just shut up and deal with all the nonsense. Well, until now!
As much as I love Hollywood rom-coms, Zac Efron deserves death! (or at the least, a very stern talking-to). All those movie scenes where some dude turns up at the airport at the last minute to serenade his crush with a cheesy ’80s song have raised some unrealistic expectations come Valentine’s Day. The stress of organising something comparatively mind-blowing has made us lose track of what the day’s really about. It should be enough to just secretly stash a hand-written note in your loved one’s letterbox listing what you adore about them, don’t you think?
Guys also have the added pressure of having to compete with other guys’ romantic gestures. I’m always dreading that my girlfriend will find out that almost every girl in my office gets sent a huge bouquet of flowers from their respective boyfriends on Valentine’s Day, while I just send her a private musical E-card. Still, there’s something suspicious about big public displays of affection on Valentine’s Day. Girls, remember: When you’re quietly enjoying your V-Day dinner at a nice restaurant and the guy at the table next to you gets on one knee and gives his date a kitten wearing a Tiffany necklace that he just pulled out of his blazer pocket, know that he’s probably just making amends for doing something potentially unforgivable.
Born this way
Much like, say, having a hairless chest or not knowing how to bake, some boys just weren’t born with the romance gene. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re “worthless deadbeats” (like your mum calls them); some guys just aren’t very good at turning those weird fuzzy sensations they feel inside when they think about you into elaborately-planned events. Regardless, would you rather have a guy give you one grand gesture of forced romance a year or do a bunch of little sweet things every day just coz it’s in his nature? (Note: You can’t have both, that’s just a myth perpetuated by Taylor Swift songs).
Cupid is a con man
I’ve never cared for flowers. Sure, they’re nice to look at and pick from meadows amidst a solitary summer reverie, but buying them seems as worthwhile as lighting my money on fire (even a fire offers some warmth in return, though). Of course, my girlfriend LOVES flowers. Every time we walk past a florist, she’ll look at me with puppy-dog eyes, then look at a beautiful bouquet of begonias, then back at me. “I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me…” I’ll say and start walking faster. Anyway, one Valentine’s Day I decided to surprise her with some roses. It cost $49 for a single rose. A single rose looks quite sad but it’s all I could afford! Sure, my girlfriend was grateful for the sweet gesture but for $49 I needed to be showered in kisses for 20 straight hours to feel like it was properly appreciated. Needless to say, I ended up spending the entire evening resentfully reminding her how much that rose cost and that she had “better enjoy it before it dies!” that it totally wrecked the gesture and I’m pretty sure she just killed it on purpose.
On that note, Happy Valentine’s Day, guys… and gals.