*WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR RIVERDALE SEASON 2 EPISODE 8*
So, if you don't wanna know went down, turn back now.
ALRIGHT FAM, WE'RE BACK.
And boy are things getting juicy.
After getting through the holiday season sans Riverdale, the comeback episode was jam-packed with Lodge family weirdness, Cooper family scandal, and of course, Cheryl being epic.
So let's get down to it.
ARCHIE IS HEADED FOR TROUBLE
The FBI is in town, and they're after Hiram Lodge. So who do they target? Archie Andrews. While we're not sure whether or not this guy is an actual FBI agent or not, Archie definitely seems to think so, and is on board with helping him take down his girlfriend's father... for some reason.
“I’m a teenager, what am I supposed to do?” and “Is this even legal?” Archie asks, but complies anyway.
Archie figures out that it was them that probably got the St Clair's into a car accident, after Cheryl accidentally lets slip that Nick tried to assault Veronica.
So not only does he go to Nick's dorm room to beat him up, but he's now in the pocket of some random 'FBI' agent who is definitely only there to stir up trouble.
Thankfully, he put the fire out with the whole kissing Betty thing by telling Veronica before she found out first.
Good for you Archikens.
One of the biggest revelations from this episode is Archie actually telling this FBI agent that he doesn't think they really got the Black Hood, which confirms all our theories basically. But is this dude the right guy to be telling? We think not.
BYE BYE POLLY, HELLO CHIC!
Polly returns for 0.2 seconds to grab some sweaters and stuff, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME SHE'S HAD THE BABY?! While we have been patiently waiting for the birth of the twins, she miraculously had them between seasons, but she's not about to bring them back to Riverdale. Instead, she heads back to the ~farm~.
So what does Betty do to cheer her mum up? Replaces Polly with their other sibling: Chic Cooper (Hart Denton), Alice's son that was given up for adoption.
When Betty and Alice go to meet him, they're kicked out by Chic. He tells them that he already knows who they are, and that he wants nothing to do with them. Seeing Alice break down for once and be vulnerable in the car was SOMETHING. ALICE IS OUR QUEEN.
But Betty being her Betty self doesn't give up on her brother, returning the next day to talk to him. When she gets there, she see's a random man attacking him. After pepper spraying him, she takes Chic back to the Cooper family residence to get cleaned up, where he's offered Polly's bedroom.
BUT SOMETHING IS OFF FAM. CHIC IS FREAKING US OUT.
Instead of going to sleep, he goes into Betty's bedroom to just watch her sleep, with this sinister look on his face.
THE SERPENTS MOVE INTO RIVERDALE HIGH
Okay, so we knew this was coming but we didn't know why. But, now we do. From what we can tell, Hiram is behind the closure of Southside High, because the land is near his new development, and well, drugs and gangs aren't good for business. He's in cahoots with the Mayor, who will receive a large donation from them to her re-election campaign for all her help.
So now the Serpents are walking the halls of Riverdale High, and Veronica's job is to keep them there, happy, as her parents have basically instructed.
However Cheryl and Reggie aren't on board, and that same old rivalry flares up between them. So much so, that they get all gang behaviour - their serpent jackets and paraphernalia - banned.
Jughead is PISSED, so he's decided to create a fake school group for gamers, which is really a place for the serpents to hang out and be themselves while still at school.
They're broke, which is disconcerting because she's Cheryl freaking Blossom. So unfortunately, her mother has to become a ~lady of the night~ to make some money for them.
But plot twist, she loves it.
Good for you Penelope.
A lot more happened, but really, you just have to watch it to really take it all in!