*WARNING: This post contains spoilers so if you haven't watched episode 1 of Season 3 yet, turn back now. Don't say I didn't warn you!
We repeat, don't read on unless you wanna know all the juicy deets.
When we last checked in with our Riverdale faves, some seriously weird s**t had been going down in what felt like a mafia/serial killer/murder mystery hybrid as Hal Cooper was revealed as The Black Hood while Archie ended up in handcuffs.
We have so many questions that need answering this season.
Will Archie get locked up for life? Will Chic reemerge? Will Bughead make our heart literally explode? Will we be able to spot any on-screen chemistry between Camila Mendes and Charles Melton now they're officially loved up IRL (we hope YES!).
The new episode opens with the dulcet tones of our imaginary boyfriend Jughead Jones narrating again as Archie goes on trial for the murder of Cassidy Bullock in what looks like the most disgustingly hot court room that has ever existed. Seriously, are fans that expensive?
But dayum does Archie manage to make being grossly sweaty look good.
I seriously can't believe that sexy-but-seriously-evil Hiram Lodge had the nerve to sit in the courtroom and act like it wasn't him who ordered his shady doorman to do the dirty work. Luckily Fred Andrews was on hand to get a little redemption.
Then just as we begin stressing about Archie getting sent to death row and having to wear a gross orange prison jumpsuit that would clash with his red locks, the glorious KWEEN that is Cheryl Blossom makes the most epic slow-mo entrance we've ever seen.
And better yet she's been spending the whole summer with Toni which we know means the Choni ship is alive and well.
It's also clear that Alice Cooper has been spending her summer buying into Polly's weird cult beliefs and there's mention of Edgar Evernever about 23 times so we just know he'll be making an appearance in the near future.
And we learn that there's been a Josie/Sweetpea summer fling and we are so on board this ship. But what will their couple name be? Sweetsie? Jopea? We'll work on that...
The Labour Day party looks incredible but I will forget what happens for the next 10 minutes because I'm too busy replaying the scene of Reggie and Archie throwing a ball shirtless. Can you really blame me tho?
There's some Southside/Ghoulies dramz and Cheryl channels Katniss Everdeen to save the day but I'm still distracted. #sorrynotsorry
Okay aaaand I'm back as we discover that Betty is seriously struggling with the truth about her dad, with Polly accusing her of faking drug prescriptions and making up a therapist who she claims to have been seeing all summer. #drama.
But that's all quickly forgotten as Bughead and Varchie share some seriously cute momes before we find out Archie's fate.
But in a truly dramatic twist (shocked not shocked) the jury don't reach a verdict but Archie somehow ends up getting himself locked away anyway. Don't be a hero Archie!
And just when we thought things couldn't get any more dramatic, Jughead lands himself in the middle of some sort of satanic ritual while babies fly and Betty collapses.
I am seriously shook (and seriously confused).
Whatever happens next, this season is going to get GOOD.