Look, we absolutely love everything about Riverdale, but we’re also human so we basically laugh the entire way through it.
Maybe it’s the epic seriousness we’re always presented with, but there’s just something a little ridiculous about the whole thing.
And this week, we were bombarded with crazy sh*t.
So here are our fave:
The dramatic reveal of Chery’s dad Clifford still being alive:
Okay, we clickbaited you there. But we were almost convinced that the show had turned completely soap opera when Clifford’s ‘twin’ Claudius emerged at the will-reading.
Who were we kidding though? Clifford would never go out in the town without one of his red wigs.
When Claudius said his favourite island was ‘Lesbos’ in front of two lesbo’s:
We’re about to get it fam. Cheryl and Toni Topaz are completely hot for each other, but Penelope Blossom keeps c***blocking them. Anyway, when Cheryl’s newfound uncle professes his love for lesbo’s, they die, Penelope dies, we die, Nanna loves it.
Chic Cooper deffo has gingivitis:
Betty Cooper removes her black bondage wig for her Nancy Drew hat this week, as she decides a DNA test is essential for Chic. When the Blossom’s announce a will-reading, the Cooper’s are in attendance for obvious reasons, but Chic refuses any potential money because it would require them to find out if he’s a real Cooper or not. Betty doesn’t believe him, so she sneaks into his bathroom to get some swabs?? Ew.
Anyway, she finds a blood COVERED piece of floss in his bin and we’re low-key concerned for his oral hygiene.
Archie and Hiram Lodge are BLOOD BRUTHA’S 4LYF:
We can’t actually deal with this. Hiram Lodge is the ~scary mobster~ and all but everything he does is so hilar. Hiram tries to twist Fred Andrews’ arm into being the mayor so he can puppeteer him from BTS, but Luke Perry is smarter than that, and bails when he finds out Hiram’s plan is to make Southside High a jail.
But Archie may as well have his own holy communion in the next episode, coz he’s a Lodge now. At the end of the episode, Hiram asks him to become blood brothers and literally this happens:
'Til next week.