Vintage shirtless Noah Centineo on the beach: 8/10
For our first offering, may we present the first shirtless picture posted to Centineo's IG, from back in February of 2018. Yes, we did scroll all the way down. Great pic, we're giving it a solid 8/10 for the following reasons. First, it is blessedly filter-free. We also love a candid-ish shot thrown up with a semi-deep caption, "the purest, raw form 💫." Finally, it showcases the traps well but not in a heavy-handed gym-bro way.
A series of moody black and white pics: 7/10
Centineo's not like ~regular boys~ and these photos surely prove it. Excellent framing, perfect amount of grain (enough to add texture, not too much to be distracting) and a good showcasing of The Arms: 7/10. We enjoy these because they're very Tumblr circa 2012 and maybe those were really the glory days?
The sponsored Centineo thirst trap: 6/10
Is this funny? Is this actually sexy? We're not sure. We're giving him points for effort, sitting in a bathtub without water in it (because this is not a nice feeling) and for his abs. Points deducted because while slightly more sustainably packaged water is nice, we can avoid waste altogether if you just... use a water bottle and the tap? 6/10 from us.
Happy shirtless candid Centineo: 10/10
Do you know what's hot? Happiness. Oh yeah, that's the good stuff. We're giving this a 10/10 for how genuinely joyful, relaxed and amused Centineo looks here. It also excellently showcases his full body (the arm veins!).
Shirtless pics but make them #fashion: 9/10
Swipe to the third picture in this carousel. We have deducted one (1) point because of having to swipe, hence the 9/10.
Centineo shaving shirtless but in... a cap? 6/10
Okay this is good, like the arms and hint of stomach hair is good, but why is he wearing a cap while shaving? Is this a thing? The framing is nice though! Good work on the photographer's side in managing to stay out of the frame somehow, 6/10.
The one with the v-line: 9/10
Sometimes a pic can be kinda bad but also excellent at the same time. He kinda looks like a wholesome fratboy here? (If such a thing was real.) 9/10, and no comments are being accepted at this time about this rating.
The shower-adjacent thirst trap: 7/10
Okay so, Centineo captioned this shirtless (pre/post?) shower picture with, "Most ridiculous shower adventure of all time on my story." Now, because it is no longer November 4th in 2019, we no longer have access to that IG story. The only clue is a tag for an empty IG page with a profile picture that looks like it was made in Microsoft Word.
What might once have been a kinda annoying sponsored post is now full of mystery, thus 7/10. What was he advertising? What happened Noah? Tell us your secrets without putting a shirt on.
The sideways shirtless pic: 9/10
And now for a return to the soft analogue film shots. This picture (and whole carousel tbh) makes us miss summer days, wearing only one layer and not bringing a jacket, and touching people. We're giving it a 9/10. The hand covering half the face is a nice move, softens this from looking too ~I'm standing over you being hot and you will endure it~ ya know?
The shirtless pic that inspired this article: 10/10
These pictures look like they were taken on a potato and they're still good. He looks so pleased—and strained—and dorky, but also so fit. 10/10, great job Noah.
Anyway thanks for coming to my TED Talk, byeee.
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Want more like this? Check out: Lana Condor says Noah Centineo is causing drama for her IRL relationship.