This week’s headline that we can’t stand is courtesy of the fandom’s most hated rag, The S*n. I won’t be linking to it because I’d rather cop a shopping trolley to the ankles than give them a click. Utterly unsurprisingly, the paper I wouldn’t even use to line a kitty litter tray has once again used our boy’s name to get attention.
He who must not be named listed Louis in a line up as a possibility to replace departing judges Nicole Scherzinger, Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne on the X Factor judging panel.
Louis being a judge on X-Factor is the absolute worst idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life and that includes when I was 7 and my cousin suggested we climb on the roof of his three story house to see if my fairy wings worked.
Now, there are two things that say ‘my team don’t take my career as a musician seriously’ OR ‘I’ve been around since the dawn of time and wouldn’t mind a cushy comeback’; these are making a Christmas album or joining a TV talent show as a judge. Noah fence all TV talent show judges... but you know the score - if you could sell out arenas you wouldn’t be spinning around on a red chair or saying ‘it’s a no from me’ to the 3847th person who’s murdered another Adele song right in front of your salad.
According to he who must not be named, the other potential replacements listed include Kylie Minogue, Cheryl, Craig David and Alesha Dixon.
Louis wasn’t even born when Kylie released her first hit single Locomotion. But the Australian icon has had an illustrious career through the decades, so if she wants to spend her 2018 making bank on a prime time TV show then I’m certainly not going to @ her about it.
Craig David released an album in January and a quick survey around our office concludes absolutely no one knew about it, so I can see why this gig could give him the boost he needs.
Cheryl’s done this job before and really hasn’t had much of a music career for ages so this is a nice way to get her gorj face back in the public eye for something other than draping herself over Liam at the Brits.
And I had to google Alesha Dixon because I wouldn’t know her if she popped up in my bathwater, so yeah I’d say this would be a pretty good get for her.
With perhaps the exception of Kylie (she does have a loyal fan base) I think it’s safe to say very few people are currently gagging for new music from the other contenders.
UNLIKE our king Louis, who can’t post so much as a single letter on twitter without his devoted army of Louies BEGGING, SCREAMING, CRYING, PLEADING for an album. I know because I’m one of them and let me tell you we ain’t just a noisy shouty small group, we’re talking millions of fans around the world who wake up every day hoping Louis will announce LT1.
So hearing that a spot on the judging panel for X Factor could even potentially be on the cards for the Sassmaster from Doncaster has the fandom enraged.
We can see what they get out of it... a ratings boost courtesy of the biggest and most passionate fandom in the world, a neat little PR story to flick to media and run in the promo campaigns about Louis ‘returning to where it all began’ (vom) and his beautiful face, expert level sass and genius music knowledge giving the tired show the lift it desperately needs.
But you know what Louis needs? A radio single. An album. A tour. Merch. An Adidas collab/campaign. A Spotify Billboard in Times Square. Talk show appearances and performances. Magazine covers (he’s got an open invitation to appear on ours always). Interviews about him and his music only. But most of all he needs to be damn well given R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Now, normally I wouldn’t compare the boys but I’m making an exception for this. Harry and Niall are currently on their sold out world tours for their number one solo debut albums. Liam played for a crowd of 110,000 people over the weekend earning him a spot in the top 20 biggest crowds for an artist ever.
Lou is quite literally being left behind and it’s not because he lacks the talent or the fan base. Louis is one of the most talented writers in the business and he has the voice of an angel, yet we’ve only had four songs since the hiatus began (only two of which were adequately supported). No wonder louies are always in protect mode.
So whoever thinks this is a good idea, it’s not. You’re doing our son dirty (as f**king usual) and you’re c**kblocking us from the album we will buy, stream, play on repeat, promote and support with everything we have.
We love you with all our hearts darling Louis, and we’ll keep fighting the good fight for our Donny soldier until you get the respect you deserve.