Reflecting on and dissecting our assumptions of identity, race, philosophy, relationships, and communication is kinda Flex’s M.O.. Whether it’s on her podcast Bobo and Flex or from her candid Instagram videos shot in her car on the couch, she’s always up to having moments of reflection, decolonising all our minds and asking ourselves to challenge the cultural and societal preconditions, values, and attitudes society has convinced us to believe in.
Her latest pursuit, ReFlex: Questions About Sex, an expansion pack in her ReFlex card game series, is no different. A bit like ice-breaker games like Cards Against Humanity or Twenty Questions, ReFlex is a card game where each card comes with a different conversational prompt for a deep and meaningful chat.
But, where the first game forced friends to have earnest and uncomfortable yet important conversations about identity, friendship, and race, ReFlex: Questions About Sex takes things a little bit more after dark with late-night convos about sex, love, and relationships.
Fully produced by Flex Mami and supported by sex wellness gurus Lovehoney, Questions About Sex will call out all of your illusions about sex, consent, and soulmates. “The whole point is that you're meant to derive understanding from the person you're playing with by not what they answer, but how they answer what influenced why they've answered.”
We recently caught up with the 26-year-old style icon, DJ, Facebook Marketplace, and wacky interior design connoisseur and podcast host, and learned how you can improve the conversations and relationships you have with your friends.
“I understand that so many of us think we should be good conversationalists by virtue of speaking a lot, but that's just not true,” Flex says.
“I know a ton of people would say hand on heart, they're not having the conversations they want to or like, ‘I'm the cool one and the main character, my friends are so boring.’ And it's like, ‘Okay, great. Help them, bring them to your level,’ and then it's quiet.”
“There's a lack of self-awareness when it comes to people's explanations as to why their relationships aren't what they are, like, it takes two or more for it to work.”
It’s not our fault we’re bad at communicating, blame society
“Up until you’re 18, so much of what you have to do as a coming of age process or learning or high school is given to you,” Flex says. “You don’t really have to step up and do anything on your own. You’re kind of forced.”
“‘Don't want to use a pen? Who cares, go get your pen license!’ ‘Don't want to do maths? Who cares? You have to learn before you fail.’ So I think we kind of grow up with the expectation that if it's important, somebody will force us to learn.”
But, as Flex continues, that does happen. “Sometimes in relationships, you find your partner forces you to like clean better, make the bed, have open conversations, and you’re like, ‘this is what I was waiting for someone to show me.’”
“But, if you don’t have those people around you or you’re not privileged enough to have people who want to invest in you like that physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, then you get left behind. But, you don’t realise you’ve been left behind because you’re waiting for somebody to fill in the gaps.”
“We're constantly waiting for someone or something to be an opportunity to make it work for us, to help us see the things that we don't see. It's like, ‘Orrr, you could just take accountability and zoom through it quicker.’”
Why the idea of soulmates is fundamentally flawed
“I’ve been watching these two series on Netflix about the concept of soulmates, which I’ve never really thought about at length before, because I really think like, my best friend is my soulmate,” she explains. “However, the whole premise of those shows are the implications of what happens when you meet your soulmate, and how in most of these episodes, it’s always going to be bad.”
“Meaning that you’d have to either leave the person you’re currently dating, they’re not your type, you don't see the attraction, or they're more attracted to you than you are to them. Or, there's someone that you're disgusted by that you now have to convince yourself that you're fully in love with, which I think is super fascinating.”
“Because I think most people would rather, if they had the option, they would just think, ‘this would be amazing, I have my one true love.’ But imagine finding that one true love and then not connecting with them, and then recognising that now you have to go back into the real world where it's a full-on jungle and try and make the best of it.”
“That brings me to this general idea that sometimes, I think our mind does a really good job of making us feel like our current situations could be better if just one thing changed. But like, who do you think is working in our favor? I feel like the current situation is probably as best as it's gonna get. And if you happen to change one thing, and it gets better, that’s amazing.”
Say it with me now: just because you have a lot of sex doesn’t mean you’re good at it~
While the saying “practice makes perfect” may apply to our study habits or learning a new TikTok dance, when it comes to sex, it’s all about listening to your partner. In fact, when asked about the biggest misconceptions about sex, Flex says “You aren't good at sex because you have sex.”
“Even if you had sex a hundred times or a thousand times, that does not make you good at sex. People think that they're experts by virtue of having it, and that leaves very little room for open conversations about consent, pleasure, the orgasm gap, and all of these things.”
“Everyone’s like, ‘well my body count is high, this is a conversation for virgins,’ and it’s like, ‘no, that’s no what’s happening here.’ That’s number one.”
“Number two, I think people need to understand what role sex plays in their lives. Coming from like a very heteronormative lens, I don't think that women, especially CIS women, have critically thought about what sex is for them outside of the pleasure they give to the person they're sleeping with.”
“As soon as you start to realise that a lot of your sex you have is for somebody else's pleasure, somebody else's comfort, because somebody else has asked it or expected it from you, you start to realise you become a vessel for somebody else's pleasure.”
“That’s fun if you're into that, but what would you require from that interaction? And do you feel comfortable asking for it? And worse, do you feel confident that if you were to express those needs, your partner or partners would meet you at that level? That's very scary. It's very scary.”
“A lot of women think that they’re entitled to pleasure but they’re also embarrassed to champion it for themselves,” Flex continues. “I know a ton of women who say, 'ew, I would never masturbate, like, I'm a horny girl, I only need sex and that's it.' It's like, 'Okay, your victim, it's all good' [laughs].”
“It's almost like checking all these internal biases that we have about asking for our own pleasure and how we view people who are able to advocate for their own pleasure, monetise their own pleasure, hold people accountable for their own pleasure… once you start having open discussions with people about sex you realize that so much of what's driving us is fear, shame, and guilt, and that's not hot.
“[If you find sex uncomfortable,] don't worry about it, just don't have sex, it's fine.”
To have more deep and meaningful chats about sex, love, and pleasure, check out ReFlex: Questions About Sex, $39.99 on the Flex Factory store.